i'm feeling lousy. really lousy.
come to think of it, i haven't really used that word before. but right now, i cannot find anything that describes my mood except for lousy.
had mega camp refresher course today. basically everything was ok. although the spirit wasn't as high as before, it still managed to reach its peak at its end. i wonder whether is it because now that we are of a higher rank and status and of an older age that's why we don't find things as fun as before. i don't know. i preferred last year's mega camp. but this year's instructors were not bad.
you know, i just feel lousy. absolutely lousy. too many things are clogging my mind, and i don't want to figure out which one i have to settle first. school's starting and i haven't even got my things organized, my mind cleared, much less talk about new year resolutions.
as you can see, the word lousy totally fits my mood now. the words that come out, the thoughts that lead to the action. i just feel LOUSY.
you know i've always hoped that there was such a thing called the perfect clique. the outgoing sort of girls. not the mummy's kind. stay out till 11+ in the night. and play play play all day. sleepovers, shopping sprees and all that kind. but i guess i haven't found them yet. but well. i hope when we all grow up, we'll still keep in touch.
so that's why i think it's better to be a guy. but then again, guys have to suffer 2 years in army. with their hair all gone and looking ugly. oh no.
i wonder whether all those were forced enthusiasm because i know that i HAVE TO BE enthusiastic or it really came from my heart. i guess that's part of growing and being a leader. but as everything went alone, i found that you would only be happy if it came from your heart. so why not just let it be an act of sincerity rather than another mask? i'm not too sure how long the mask can last. because nothing lasts forever. and being a perfectionist isn't going to help much either.
my domineering trait is starting to take control of my life even though at the same time i feel better having it. makes me feel like a leader. but no, it's interfering with my daily life and dealings and at the same time intruding my character as a person. i don't know what to do. no one seems to guide or show me the way.
i don't know who is in a position to give me advice. making me gulp down the advice is already an insurmountable task. you definitely have to be someone of certain weight to do that. i don't know who can. but i really can't think of anyone. stubborn proud ego just refuses to digest the advice that ppl provide. is it really because of that or is it because they are just useless?i really don't know. don't know don't know don't know.
i feel so tired of everything. not to mention that i'm really feeling spiritually dry. i can't believe i haven't gotten my homework done and i'm not bothering to do anything about it. if i'm not wrong, school's starting in 3 days time. and yes. i'm not wrong because i'm wanzhen.
i'm turning into a corn since i'm so corny and i'm not horny because i don't have horns. neither a cow, neither a bull, i'm just crapping away because i feel so sorry and pathetic.
for what? i don't know.
that's why you see, i feel LOUSY.
12:12 AM
